


Sins of Revelations

by LadyXandra



Series: The Sins of the Evanuris [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Beginning to Love, Complete, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Smut, Sneaky Sneaky, Spoilers, Vhenan'ara, Voyeurism, coming to terms, past trauma, read to find out, short and sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-05-06 07:11:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5407670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyXandra/pseuds/LadyXandra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Alistair finally opens his eyes to the one that has been right in front of him this whole time?</p><p>This is a very minor spin off of my main story Vhenan'ara. It involves the same characters, in the same world. There will be others in the future, only being a chapter or two each.</p><p>Just as Vhenan'ara primarily surrounds Riel and Zevran, so too these snippets will primarily revolve around Alistair and *spoiler*. These really aren't a separate story in and of themselves, just an added dimension and inside look into two other important characters within my headcanon universe.</p><p>So PLEASE! Don't read this before reading the rest of the story leading up to this point. Because this and other similar short snippets I will be posting WILL contain spoilers if you are not up to date with the listed chapter reference!</p><p>This particular short takes place between chapters 50 and 52, after Riel, Leliana and Zevran regroup with Alistair and the others outside of Southmere, but before they reach the Dalish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hidden Desires

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Vhenan'ara](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4950538) by [LadyXandra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyXandra/pseuds/LadyXandra). 



> Dragon Age: Origins is owned by Bioware, as with all its characters, the story as it deviates from canon is mine however, as with the personalities of characters as they deviate from those in the game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dragon Age: Origins is owned by Bioware, as with all its characters, the story as it deviates from canon is mine however, as with the personalities of characters as they deviate from those in the game.
> 
> What happens when Alistair finally opens his eyes to the one that has been right in front of him this whole time?
> 
> This is a very minor spin off of my main story Vhenan'ara. It involves the same characters, in the same world. There will be others in the future, only being a chapter or two each.
> 
> Just as Vhenan'ara primarily surrounds Riel and Zevran, so too these snippets will primarily revolve around Alistair and *spoiler*. These really aren't a separate story in and of themselves, just an added dimension and inside look into two other important characters within my headcanon universe.
> 
> So PLEASE! Don't read this before reading the rest of the story leading up to this point. Because this and other similar short snippets I will be posting WILL contain spoilers if you are not up to date with the listed chapter reference!
> 
> This particular short takes place between chapters 50 and 52, after Riel, Leliana and Zevran regroup with Alistair and the others outside of Southmere, but before they reach the Dalish.

 

 **xxxxx** Outside of Southmere, just beyond the entrance of the cave

where the rest of the party rested  **xxxxx**

* * *

Alistair leaned against the rock face, watching the sun set over the rolling hills just beyond where he currently stood. Off in the distance he could barely make out the rocky form of Shale, their golem companion, where she kept her own watch. She had been in the same spot since arriving with the others a little over an hour ago, unmoving as she watched the roads leading into the now destroyed village of Southmere.

 _What a mess that was_ … Alistair sighed to himself. An entire village of people lost. And it wasn't the first one he had come across either. Both Lothering and Honnleath now laid destroyed thanks to the Darkspawn horde that had crawled up from the deep underground passageways south of the Kokari Wilds. A true Blight was upon the lands, and many more towns and villages would be lost if they didn't end it soon. In reality all of Ferelden rested on the shoulders of just two people now, since the devastating loss at Ostagar several months ago. For only a Grey Warden could end a Blight. And now, only two remained in all of Ferelden.

Him. And Riel.

 _Riel_ …

An beautiful and exotic elven woman who had spent a few years amongst the roaming Dalish clans that populated Thedas. Before that… It wasn't something she ever talked about. However, words were not necessary when her nightmares could be heard throughout the whole of the camp every night. At least, they  _were_. That was before she got involved with the elven assassin from Antiva. Since he had come along, Riel had been doing so much better. Well, when  _he_  wasn't messing it up, that is.

Alistair knew that when it came to the other Grey Warden among them, his presence was more just  _tolerated_  than actually welcomed. A position that he rightly earned, and more than deserved if he were honest about it. There was just something about the dark haired woman that turned his tongue against him whenever he tried to speak with her. A compliment was turned into an insult. A friendly greeting turned into an accusation. An attempt to be nice turned into a verbal attack.

Whatever he did and no matter how hard he had tried, Alistair just couldn't seem to act right around her.

At first it had confused him, wondering why things never came out right. Then it annoyed him, growing irritated at how his efforts always turned against him. Finally his failed attempts angered him, and how his seemingly innocent actions always ended up being twisted against him. Yet his anger wasn't at himself or his failures. Instead, he sought to blame others for what he couldn't do. Briefly Alistair had blamed Riel, thinking that she simply refused to see how hard he was trying to win her affections. However, the direction of his ire was soon focused almost primarily on the elven assassin who joined them not too long after their journey began all those months ago.

Alistair blamed  _everything_  on him. From Riel's reactions to his Alistair's attempts to being kind to her, to even going to so far as to believe that he had turned Riel against him in a shadowy attempt to eventually betray them all to Loghain. Everything the male elf did was suspect in Alistair's mind. And the fact that he had managed to do what Alistair had been wanting to do for so long only exaggerated Alistair's hate for the man.

Where Alistair's words to Riel were clumsy and often made her angry, the elf's words made her smile and blush. True, the assassin also made her angry at times, with his lascivious and often overly blunt attempts to seduce her, yet Riel didn't react the same way with him as she would have had Alistair said the same thing to her. In fact, had Alistair been so blunt with his affections, he would have probably wound up needing severe healing afterwards. Riel was nothing if not vocal - and quite physical - with her desires to not be touched or flirted with.

Somehow though, the elven assassin had done what Alistair had spent long nights praying for. Not only had he gained Riel's trust and affections, but also her bed, and worst of all, her  _love_. Everything that Alistair had wanted for himself. And in his bitter jealousy over what he couldn't have, Alistair had come up with every excuse he could to destroy what Riel and her lover, Zevran, had built together. Even if it made Riel miserable. Even if it endangered her life. At the time, all that mattered to Alistair was making Riel see Zevran as the sneaky, evil, murderous assassin that Alistair thought the male elf to be.

So blinded by hatred and jealousy that Alistair was, that he very nearly missed the exact thing that he he had been looking for. Only, it didn't come from Riel, with her strangely beautiful silver eyes and fierce yet admirable demeanor. Instead, it came from a pair of mischief filled liquid green eyes, and a smile that had the power to stop his very heart in his chest.

 _Leliana_ ….

Even her name was like a song on the wind. She had been with them since very nearly the beginning, yet it wasn't until very recently that Alistair finally truly  _saw_  her. Not just as a friendly face or a companion that he travelled with. But as the incredible woman that she was. Always  _has been_. Even when he was an ass. Or an idiot. Or did one of the  _many_  things that he shouldn't have done in a futile effort to try and get Riel to like him as something other than just the  _other_  Grey Warden.

She was always there, defending him even when he didn't deserve it. Calming Riel down when she got angry over something Alistair did or said. Even after Zevran had joined their group, Leliana was always quick to rise to Alistair's defence. Even when he didn't deserve it. However, Alistair was too blinded by his own jealousy to see it for himself. Too blinded to really see  _her_  at all. To him, there was only Riel. And his obsession with her and the man that she had fallen in love with.

And then a few days ago,  _everything_  had changed. On a day when he should have been seething after his loss to the Antivan assassin, instead Alistair's whole world was flipped upside down. Waking up to the scent of jasmine and wood oil on his skin had somehow broken through months of deluded obsession, leaving behind a seed that had quickly grown into a deep swell of affection and desire. Not for Riel, but for someone who Alistair never expected.

That morning Alistair had seen the redheaded rogue with new eyes. Heard her lilting laughter with new ears. It was as if he were waking up from a dream, and experiencing everything with the freshness of first light. Even Riel's confronting of him that day hadn't spoiled his mood. Probably because in truth, he agreed with everything she had said. His affections - or rather  _obsessions_  - for her were actually  _hurting_  her. And for the first time, Alistair finally saw that.

That day changed everything for Alistair. And no moment more reflected that then when their camp was ambushed by Darkspawn later that same evening. He had been sitting by the campfire listening to one of Leliana's stories, when the sickening feeling came upon him. The Taint that flowed in his veins sensing and calling out to the Taint that was the Darkspawn's whole existence.

Immediately they were set upon, the foul and corrupted things swarming them without warning or mercy. Almost as if the very shadows bred the beasts, the Darkspawn continued to attack them. Where one was cut down, another would rise to continue the assault. Thank the Maker that Alistair rarely even slept outside of his armor while they camped each night. As it was, he barely had enough time to draw shield to block the incoming attacks the Darkspawn launched at them.

Together, he and Leliana had found themselves by Bodahn's wagon, defending the dwarf and his son from attacks while Wynne cast her magics from behind them. And while his focus was on those that attacked them, later Alistair would think back on those chaotic moments of battle in amazement. Not for his own abilities or the swift and organized attack of their enemies - although that alone would cause him to worry enough in the coming days. No, what Alistair's memory pulled always him to was Leliana, standing fierce on top of Bodahn's wagon, firing off a blinding succession of arrows at the Darkspawn that attacked them.

It wasn't just her speed that amazed him, either. Or even the deadly accuracy with which her arrows found their targets. What amazed Alistair most was that she was  _smiling_. In the midst of a deadly battle, there Leliana was  _smiling_  as she expertly fired off each arrow and quickly reached for another one. Such an odd thing to remember, it was true. Yet since that night, Alistair had thought back to the other battles that they had fought. And in each one that he could remember, there was Leliana, smiling in that deadly way as she fired off her arrows at their enemies.

And Maker help him, but that image alone set off a whole flood of strange emotions inside of Alistair. Emotions that had left him both confused and near madness these past few days while Leliana and Zevran had taken Riel off to Redcliff in the dark of night after the battle had ended. For the first time in months, another woman had kept Alistair awake as he laid alone in his tent each night.

"I thought that perhaps I would keep you company," a sweet lilting voice stated from behind Alistair.

Turning around, a broad smile stretched across Alistair face as he saw Leliana approach him. "Hi…" he replied weakly at first before coughing lightly several times and clearing his throat. "I mean, yes, good evening…." he corrected, his face blushing.

Leliana smiled coyly as she stepped up next to him. "There is a stew cooking if you are interested. There wasn't many vegetables left, so I will have to go out and find some tomorrow before Riel decides to head for the Dalish. However, I did manage to find some of those sweet spices that you like and added them to the stew."

"Sweet spices?"

"Mmhmm. You didn't know what they were the last time you had them, but you said that they reminded you of when a certain Sister Jenella used to make a special broth during the first day of Satinalia."

"Wait…. I said that the last time we were in Redcliff together… You  _remembered_  that?" Alistair asked incredulously.

Now it was Leliana's turn to blush. "I remember a lot of things, Alistair," she replied quietly. Alistair wished that he could look into her eyes, yet for some reason she kept her gaze locked on the ground on the below as she spoke. "I am betting that Sister Jenella was from Orlais, wasn't she?"

"She was… How did you know?"

"Because the spices are fairly common in Val Royeaux during the winter season, right when Satinalia begins. The Arlessa is Orlesian, and so had them specially brought in for the cooks to use for when she was missing her home." Leliana began to giggle, lifting her eyes briefly to meet Alistairs. "I  _may_  have sneaked into the castle while waiting for Riel's armor to be made and  _borrowed_  a small jar or two…"

"Wait… So you sneaked into a heavily guarded castle just to steal a jar of spices?" asked Alistair, struggling to keep himself from laughing while he spoke.

"Well…" Again Leliana's eyes went down to the ground. "Not  _just_  to get the spices. I was also checking in on one of my contacts... inside of the castle."

"You have contacts inside of Arl Eamon's castle? Even after everything they just went through?"

Leliana smiled devilishly, her green eyes barely lifting up to meet his. "Oh, I have contacts in  _many_  different places, Alistair…" she answered with a soft giggle.

" _Right…_  I am starting to see why bards are so feared…" he replied with a chuckle, shaking his head.

"Oh, there is no need to be afraid,  _Alistair…_ "

Alistair raised his eyebrow at her slight inflection of her voice when she said his name just then. "See, you say that, yet something tells me that something wicked is turning inside of that beautiful mind of yours."

Leliana took another step closer and looked up at him. "You think my mind is beautiful, do you?" she teased.

"That's not the only thing of yours that I think is beautiful…" he whispered, his eyes locked onto hers. Alistair raised his hand and swept away a small cluster hair from her face, letting his fingers lightly graze her cheek as he did so. Leliana closed her eyes at the feel of his touch, her breath catching in her throat. However Alistair mistook her reaction and pulled his hand away. "Sorry… I, uh… Right. Bad Alistair! You would think that I would have learned to keep my hands to myself after so long travelling with our fearless leader. Nope. Apparently not…." Alistair's words rushed out quickly, his hand dropping away and his face blushing a deep red.

"No, Alistair, it's okay!" Leliana tried saying, yet still Alistair stepped away from her, putting several paces between them.

"Right. I'm just going to stand over here now. Giving you lots of space over there. Yup. Women like that, don't they? Space?"

Leliana shook her head and sighed. "Alistair, you don't need to give me ' _space'_ ," she replied, stepping closer to him again. "I actually like it when you are close to me. It makes me feel safe.  _Protected_ …"

"Well, that's what I am here for. Protecting. And hitting things. Have I mentioned that's pretty much all I'm good at?" Alistair knew he was acting like an idiot again, however he just couldn't seem to control the words that came out of his mouth. Awkwardly he smiled down at Leliana, wishing not for the first time that the Maker had granted him a better sense with words.

"Alistair, come with me," Leliana stated kindly, offering her hand to him.

Alistair raised his eyebrow, yet still took her hand into his own. "Okay…. Where are we going?"

"The stew I made should be cooked now. Come eat, and I shall tell you of a story that I learned while staying in the Lothering Chantry."

"Oh? Is this is one about the nugs loose in the kitchen cellar? And how the Sisters ended up having to smell burnt droppings for weeks because of it? I swear, I had no part in that rumor, or the nugs!"

"Oh Alistair…." Leliana giggled.

* * *

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

* * *

The next day the group left the cave and continued on with their journey towards the Brecilian forest. Tensions among everyone were low, and even Sten sometimes played along with the banter that took place as they travelled east along the hills and small valleys that wound their way across the Hinterlands.

Alistair would have prefered to find another cave to spend the coming night in, however the best either he or Riel could find was a burned out farmhouse. The flames had long died out, however the stench of burned flesh and hair lingered, souring even his own iron lined stomach. Instead the group pushed on past the remains of farmhouse, the mood slightly dampened by the sight of it.

The moon was nearly high when Riel finally called a stop to the party, coming to rest near a small stream that still ran clear of the Taint that had now touched much of the surrounding land. Alistair had always wondered why Riel always insisted on finding a fresh source of water before camping for the night. Only on very rare times had they ever made camp without first finding some stream or creek, and while there was some practicality to it, Alistair was always curious to how important it was to her.

However today, Alistair found himself immensely thankful to her insistence. Even if it was past sunset by the time he finally managed to peel away from the group and take advantage of the cool rushing water. It had been several days since he had been able to wash properly, and it was a heavy, sweaty job travelling in thick metal armor all day. Even Alistair had to admit that he was beginning to smell a bit too ripe. And now that Leliana had rejoined with them…. Well, maybe it wasn't just his own preferences that had him aching for a bath.

Quickly he discarded his armor and the soiled tunic and trousers he had been wearing underneath. For a moment he debated keeping his smallclothes on, but then thought they too could probably use a good washing. So there he was, as naked as the day the Maker created him, as he stepped carefully into the icy stream. As the cold water splashed over his bare skin, Alistair found himself longing once more the warm baths one could find in the larger cities and Chantries. Spending long months on the road had made him accustomed to bitter chill of fresh water, however that still didn't mean he cared much for it. Especially when it came to his nether regions. Somethings on a man's body were just  _ **not**_  meant to be cold. And that area was one of them.

Biting back foul curses that would make the old Chantry Sisters blush, Alistair took his cloth and soap in hand and quickly set about ridding himself of all the sweat and grime that had built up over his body. Alistair had meant to be done quickly with the bothersome chore, however as he washed himself, an unbidden image of what Leliana would look like naked and washing herself came to his mind.

Immediately his body warmed despite the coldness of the water surrounding him, even causing the troublesome length at his waist to rouse from its shock at being chilled. Alistair's hands slowed over his body as his mind wandered, becoming lost in the forbidden thoughts that entered his mind. Without thinking, his hand drifted slowly down his body, over his chest and muscles stomach until it came to rest over the now stiff and heavy manhood between his hips.

In the Chantry, it was taught that touching oneself was a sinful act, bringing shame to the Maker. And while most of the young men that Alistair had known growing up within the sacred walls had done so, none talked about it openly. And all had sought repentance for their crimes afterward, praying in the vestibules to the brother on duty for forgiveness. However, there were no Chantry brother for Alistair to pray to here. No altars to offer penitence for his sins, or hymn books to read from to help seek atonement.

The only thing there was Alistair, with his hand on his stiff length, and the images of the lovely Leliana that his depraved and sinful mind conjured up to torment him with.

Slowly, he began to work himself, the water and remaining soap easing the glide of his hand as it moved up and down. Alistair knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. Not when he could so easily remember the scent of jasmine and wood oil on his skin. Or the way those liquid green eyes looked up at him under those impossibly thick eyelashes. And the coy smile she gave to him as she flirted playfully as they talked.

" _Dear Maker..._ " his hoarse voice called out as the tension in his body built. In his mind, red hair was splayed out on the ground, her angelic face caught in the throes of pleasure as he hovered over her writhing body. The hand on his body he instead imagined to be her warm silken embrace, milking him with each stroke until the building pressure became too much to bear. " _ **Leliana!**_ " Alistair cried out in release, throwing his head back as his body spasmed and arched into itself.

Suddenly spent, Alistair leaned back against a nearby rock and cursed. Instead of the relaxing bliss that should come with the release that he gave to himself, a deep swell of shame consumed him. In the past when he had given into the dark temptations of lust that clawed at him, Alistair had never put a face to his lecherous thoughts. Even those few times he gave into the sins of his flesh since meeting Riel, her face was never one he imagined as he his hand worked himself. Partly due his own shame, and partly out of respect for what little he knew of her past, Alistair had kept his sinful lusts faceless and distant.

Until today. Until  _her_. She was the first woman that Alistair had fully imagined in his mind as temptation broke him. And while he had yet to actually perform the physical act with anyone, in that moment, Alistair felt as if he had lost a bit of the cursed virginity that he lived with. In that one moment, Alistair had lost himself to not just another faceless desire, but to a true woman of worth and passion. And the fact that he had done so in secret and against her knowledge made the act all that more shameful in Alistair's mind.

Suddenly disgusted with himself, Alistair quickly rinsed himself off, barely touching the cursed thing between his legs. It was once thing to fall to temptation. It was almost expected, as they were all sinful beings prone to fall short of what the Maker created them to be. However to do so in such a disgraceful manner…. It sickened Alistair to his core. What would Leliana think if she knew about the sinful things that he imagined doing to her? Of all the varied ways that he had imagined sinking himself into her creamy depths, until he was left spent and boneless?

"Get a grip of yourself, Alistair!" he cursed quietly to himself. He then paused, his features pinching into a wince as he realized what he just said. "Right… So  _wrong_  choice of words…" he sighed.

Grumbling, Alistair made his way back to the rocky bank where his clothes and armor were piled. All he wanted to do was again cover his treacherous body with his heavy armor, locking away the sinful member behind layers of fabric and metal where he wouldn't be tempted by it. However, Alistair let out another long string of curses as he realized that he had forgotten to wash his tunic and trousers. "Damn it all…" he angrily groused, taking the pieces of fabric in his hands and returning to the stream.

From behind him Alistair heard a twig snap and he spun around, his hand instinctively going to his hip to draw his sword. However, as with the rest of his battle gear, it  _wasn't there_! His sword and shield were several feet away laying in a neat pile with the rest of his armor a dozen feet away. And there he was, crouching naked by the steam as if he were some barbarian out of legend with only his bare fists to protect him.

Quickly Alistair scanned the area around him, battle honed senses trying to reach out through the darkness to find whatever threat the shadows held. However as the minutes ticked by, all remained quiet and still. When nothing feral and mean dropped out of the shadows, slowly Alistair began to relax his tensed body. Still his mind remained alert and wary, his body able to spring back into action if need be.

Leaving his drenched clothes in the shallow part of the stream, Alistair walked over to where his armor was and pulled his sword free from its sheathe. He then returned back to where he was and carefully laid the steel blade down before once again searching the darkness for any hidden enemy or threat. Satisfied for the moment, Alistair went back to his washing, quickly sudsing up the filthy garments and working the harsh soap through them before once again quickly rinsing them off and wringing the water free. Clean once more, Alistair donned the still wet garments and gathered up the rest of his armor before finally heading back to camp.

* * *

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

* * *

Leliana held her breath as she watched Alistair walked past her hiding spot among the shadows and heavy brush. She  _hadn't_  meant to spy on him as he washed himself. At least, that had been her intention as she made her way to the stream after speaking with Riel about guard rotation that night. And when she witnessed Alistair bathing in the water, oblivious to her presence in the darkened shadows, Leliana had very much intended to turn around and return to camp, granting the man his privacy as he bathed.

However, just as she was about to turn and walk away, Leliana's eye caught the stern look that overtook Alistair's face, and the way his ministrations suddenly become less technical and more…  _sensual_ … Her feet no longer obeying the commands issued by her mind, Leliana ducked further into the shadows that surrounded her.

Hidden away, she watched with increasing breath the way Alistair cupped himself in his hand, his fingers running over the smooth skin of his shaft even as his features hardened with intent. Slowly he increased the speed in which he handled himself, his hips thrusting in sync with the pumps of his hand. Even under the low light of the moon, Leliana could see the sweat bloom across his tanned and muscled body, the pressure and tension building in him until his eyes snapped shut and his mouth opened wide in a silent moan.

Never had Leliana seen anything so erotic. So  _enticing_. True, she was no flowering maiden when it came to sex and the bodies of men. However watching this fine specimen of a male work himself so masterfully did things to her body that even she didn't understand. He was gorgeous under the light of the moon, his body glistening in sweat as he stood up to his thighs in the dark waters of the stream.

 _Maker's breath!_  she moaned to herself as she watched in rapt attention as his head was suddenly thrown back and his body arched against the powerful climax that released through him.

" _ **Leliana!**_ "

 _Me? He is thinking of me?_  she gasped silently to herself.

Leliana knew that men would often use any number of images in their solo sessions of pleasure, usually of women around them or from pure imagination. Maker, she was even  _trained_  in ways to make a man desire a woman in such ways. However, for some reason Leliana never thought that this man in particular would ever imagine her in such ways. Even though Maker himself knows how desperately Leliana often wanted Alistair to desire her in the way a man would desire a woman, she had always known where his heart was.

Only, it wasn't the name of her close friend that Alistair called out into the darkening night as he came. It wasn't images of eyes the color polished silver that he thought of while he pleasured himself. It was  _her!_

Leliana found that she couldn't control the giant wave of happiness that washed over her at this revelation. She had known that Alistair had seemed more open to her over these past few days, however she hadn't dared to think that it would ever build up to much. Even now doubt began to gnaw in her mind, wondering just how deep the male's feelings went for her.

Was it only because Riel had rejected him? Was she a second choice? A substitute to bide time with? Unbidden memories of her sad past tried to surface in Leliana's mind. Each thought feeding into her doubt over her worth to the man before her. Sadly, it wouldn't be the first time that she had put her heart into someone, only to be passed over when they grew tired of her. But surely it wasn't that way with Alistair,  _right_? He may be a fool sometimes with his words, but she had seen the goodness in him. The kindness.

However, didn't she also trust in her past love's kindness? Their sweetness? She had been so blind before. And she had paid  _dearly_  for that mistake. The betrayal she had suffered quite literally very nearly killed her. She still carried the scars upon both her flesh and soul to prove it.

And yet….

 _Will you rip out my heart, too, Alistair?_  Leliana thought sadly to herself as she watched him rinse himself off and walk free of the water. She wanted so desperately to believe that he was different. That with him, she could find something similar to what Riel had found within Zevran. Something real and lasting and that went beyond just simple words and empty promises.

Once more Leliana's feet acted of their own accord, taking a step free from the shadows that she hid herself in. However, her unguided step had found a dry twig to rest upon, causing the wood to snap loudly in previously silent night.  _Shit!_  Leliana cursed to herself as she held her breath and leaned back into the shadows behind her.

For a split second she had hoped that the sound didn't reach Alistair several yards away, yet those hopes died as he witnessed him spin around and ready himself for attack. If she were the honest and innocent Chantry woman that she so often pretended herself to be, Leliana knew she should have come forward then. Tell him that she hadn't meant to intrude on his private time, and apologize profusely before hurriedly returning to camp. How much she would reveal that she witnessed… Well, even Chantry Sisters had a sense of propriety and decency to them.

However, Leliana was far from the innocent face of Divine sisterhood that she sometimes made herself out to be. Not that she hadn't  _tried_  to make herself that way in the past. Or that a part of her hadn't wished that she could be. Countless times had Leliana had prayed to the Maker and his Blessed Bride, Andraste to purify her from her past wickedness. To free her from the mistakes she had made and recast her anew.

Yet by his Divine Will, she had remained as she was, no matter how hard she tried. And so Leliana remained still as the minutes dragged on past recognition. Eventually Alistair seemed to relax, his stance easing out of for battle, and into one of just simple alertness. With bated breath Leliana watched as Alistair then walked back over to his armor and pulled free his sword from its sheathe.

 _Oh no!_ Did he see her? Would he begin blindly slashing at the bushes and brush where she hid, hoping to draw out whatever animal or fiend he thought may be hiding there? Would she have to reveal herself, and her shameful watching of him in his private moments?

However Alistair simply returned to the side of the stream and bent over again, placing his sword on the ground at his side before returning to the washing of his garments. Leliana's mind once again begged her to leave lest she be found, yet with Alistair's senses on higher alert now to her gaffe, there would be no way for her to escape now unnoticed. EIther she waited now where she was and hoped he wouldn't see her as she passed her by, or she had to reveal herself and admit to her awful deeds.

 _Sometimes, discretion is the better part of valor_ …. she mused, resigning herself to her cowardice in the shadows. There was no way she could confront him now. Not like this. And especially not everything she witnessed and what she felt as a result of it.  _Maker preserve me_ …. If Alistair thought that  _he_  sometimes acted the fool whenever he was flustered or caught off guard, Leliana would be lucky to end the night without wanting to hang herself.

Eventually Alistair stood once more, his bare backside offering Leliana yet another a view to swoon over… And yet another reason to silently curse at herself. Fortunately - or  _un_ fortunately to the darker parts of her mind - Alistair quickly dressed himself in the freshly washed garments. He then walked back over to his armor and gathered the various pieces together, before turning in the direction in which she hid.

Using every ounce of stealth and shadow blending that been taught to her over the years, Leliana willed herself so still that she dared think that not even her heart beat in those few moments it took for Alistair to pass by in front of the area she hid in. And then just like that, he was gone. Returned to the camp that they both shared with the others of their group.

Leliana felt her body go lax and fall back to the ground below, the tension she had been using to remain still fleeing her and leaving her weak. With a heavy sigh, she pushed herself over to her back and looked up at the night sky above.

_Maker's breath… How little has actually changed even after these few years… I joined the Chantry to heal, and forget about the wounds of my past. And now here I am again, on the verge of possibly making the very same mistakes again…_

_Maker... Blessed Bride Andraste… Please guide me… I can't be broken again… I doubt I will survive it._

_I don't think I would even want to._


	2. Needing Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I might have fibbed slightly when I said that these would be singular stories. Although, I don't know how long this one will be, I will try to keep each section short. Please do tell me what you think!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dragon Age: Origins is owned by Bioware, as with all its characters, the story as it deviates from canon is mine however, as with the personalities of characters as they deviate from those in the game.
> 
> This is a very minor spin off of my main story Vhenan'ara. It involves the same characters, in the same world. There will be others in the future, only being a chapter or two each.
> 
> Just as Vhenan'ara primarily surrounds Riel and Zevran, so too these snippets will primarily revolve around Alistair and *spoiler*. These really aren't a separate story in and of themselves, just an added dimension and inside look into two other important characters within my headcanon universe.
> 
> So PLEASE! Don't read this before reading the rest of the story leading up to this point. Because this and other similar short snippets I will be posting WILL contain spoilers if you are not up to date with the listed chapter reference!
> 
> This particular short takes place between chapters 51 and 52, the same day they meet the Dalish, only earlier in the day.
> 
> Thank you guys so very much and I hope you guys enjoy! And please, I would appreciate any reviews! Reading all of your responses is a true joy for me!
> 
> Translations:
> 
> Vash-sten: Qunlat. A combination of the words "grey" and "commander". A word used to describe Grey Wardens.

 

Every morning since that night, Leliana had opened her eyes and whimpered at how her dreams were simply that - only dreams. Her nightly escapes into the land of dreams had been filled with nothing but the sight of the richly tanned skin of the human warrior.

Images of his perfect muscles straining as he pleasured himself had haunted her for days, invading her mind whenever she would let her mind wander even for just a moment. And with them, the sound aching sound of her name on his lips as he finally reached his climax filled her ears until it was all she could hear.

However, it had taken a wolf nearly sinking its razor sharp into her thigh that made Leliana realize that her mind was being driven past the point of just mere distraction. Standing near Bodahn and his son, she was firing off her arrows when she happened to glimpse Alistair out of the corner of her eye, slicing through the body of a wolf with the powerful swing of his sword. His features set in a mixture of both pain and pleasure, the expression he had in that moment reminded her so incredibly much of that night alone in the stream.

"Egh!" the giant Sten grunted as he swung his massive sword, slicing the wolf beside Leliana nearly in two. "Focus on the enemy,  _basra_ , not the  _Vash-sten_!" he hissed out in frustration before engaging another wolf.

Leliana's face bloomed into a deep shade of red as she nodded her head to the Qunari.  _Damn it!_  she chided herself mentally. It wouldn't do anyone any good for her to become something's next meal when instead she should have been focusing on firing her arrows off. Least of all Alistair, as one of Leliana's next arrows found the hind quarters of a massive wolf springing to attack Alistair's flank. However before the beast could leap, Leliana's arrow lodged deep, causing it to howl out in pain. Alistair then turned and decapitated the wolf in a single swift motion of his long sword.

The battle ended quickly after that. Once the alpha wolf laid headless and unmoving on the ground, the remaining wolves either fell quickly or ran away, disappearing into the surrounding trees and brush. However, Leliana's relief at yet another battle won was soon dashed away when she saw Alistair stomping angrily over to her.

"What was that, Leliana?" he angrily spat out at her. "That wolf nearly had your leg for lunch! And you were just standing there, about to let it happen!"

Leliana was taken aback by his outburst, completely unused to being lectured like she was. Even when displeased or angry, he  _never_  raised his voice with her the way he was doing now. And he certainly never looked upon her with such anger in his eyes.

"I-I didn't see it right away!" she replied, her voice rising in her own defence.

"Obviously! If it wasn't for Sten, you would be on the ground either bleeding to death, or even dead! What were you thinking, just  _standing_  there like that?!"

Leliana crossed her arms over her chest as embarrassment and anger blended together inside of her. Perhaps she  _should_  have been focusing more, but by the Maker, she wasn't going to tell  _him_  what she had been thinking in that moment!

"I don't know! It-it was the sun! It got in my eyes and blinded me, and I was trying to clear my vision! You wouldn't want an arrow flying off and hitting you because I mistook you for one of these hairy beasts, would you?" Leliana spat back, trying to grasp for any excuse she could think of.  _Anything_  other than admitting to being lost for a moment in the memory of her watching in the stream, pleasuring himself under the moonlight. That was  **not**  something she wanted to admit to, especially not with their whole group now standing so close and listening in.

"Oh Alistair, leave her alone! She's fine!" Riel called out, annoyed at his outburst. "Sten cut the thing down before it got to her."

Alistair remained silent as he stared deeply at Leliana. Obviously his mind was working through his thoughts, yet as the silence stretched between them, Leliana began to wonder even more what they were. "Just…. Just watch yourself, next time," he finally muttered before walking off towards Wynne. He then whispered something in the old woman's ear, causing a look of shock and sympathy on her face before she nodded back to him. Alistair then continued his slow march away from the group, walking off into the woods by himself.

"Perhaps it would be best to stop for midday meal here?" Wynne offered, a slight smile on her lips as she addressed Riel.

"Is everything alright, Wynne?" Riel asked, her own features dropping into a worried frown.

"Everything is fine, dear," she replied with a bright smile. However as soon as the words were spoken, Wynne turned and followed briskly after Alistair.

Leliana placed her bow at her back and walked over to where Riel stood next to Zevran. "What was that about?" she asked her friend.

Riel sighed and shook her head. However it was Morrigan who answered as she joined them. "'Tis not obvious? The fool managed to injure himself, yet is too prideful to admit it. Especially not after yelling so adamantly at Leliana here about being more cautious while fighting."

Leliana's face paled, and she had to fight the urge to go running after Alistair to see if he was alright. However, she stayed where she was, planting her feet in the ground through raw stubbornness. True, she and the ex-Templar had become more than friendly over these past few days, however given how angry he was just now, Leliana was beginning to doubt that.

"Worry not, for any malady should surely be healed by that old woman. My question instead is if we are to rest here for a time, if there be time enough for me to search out some more elfroot. My pack is getting low, and I know for certain that these forests contain an abundance of the herb."

"Go ahead Morrigan. Just don't go too far. We're in the Brecilian forest now, which means the Dalish camp could be anywhere. The last thing we need if for any of us to be caught unaware."

"As you wish, my friend," Morrigan replied with a short nod to Riel before walking off into the thick forest.

"Morrigan's right, Leliana. For all we know, Alistair sprained his wrist is just too stubborn to admit it. He'll be fine," Riel stated to Leliana, a reassuring smile on her lips.

"Of course! However, I should begin setting up a fire for tea. Wynne loves sipping her tea as she eats," Leliana smiled back at her friend, shielding her worry behind a mask of relaxed calmness. With only a short flicker of her eyes in the direction that Alistair and Wynne walked off to, Leliana went to gather what she needed for the fire.

 _Maker…. Watch over him…._  she prayed silently to herself.

* * *

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

* * *

"Hold still! You are not helping by twitching like that!" Wynne chided as she once again tried to flow her magic into his red and inflamed skin. "How in the name of the Maker did this even happen?"

Alistair's face flushed to almost the same color of the skin around the rash. In that moment, he wasn't sure which was more embarrassing, the  _how_  it happened, the  _why_  it happened, or that he needed a  _woman_  mage to heal it. Which was probably why he had put it off so long. It was either face the questions from her though, or suffer through the raucous laughter of that evil witch.

Which is why he now stood, bare arsed to the wind, as Wynne applied her healing magic to the growing rash that had developed on the inside of his upper thigh. And now that the painful itch was spreading closer to his more  _private_  area, Alistair knew that he couldn't put it off any longer.

At least Wynne wasn't laughing at him. Not yet anyway. Of course, she hadn't heard the exactly  _why_  or  _how_  he came to have such a rash to begin with, though.

It all started with his shameful behavior in that stream a few days ago. When temptation got the better of him, and he sinned not just against the Maker, but Leliana as well. Angry at himself and frustrated over his weakness, Alistair knew he need to seek out help. He couldn't ruin what little that had started to form between him and Leliana like he did with Riel. And so he decided to seek out help. Unfortunately, being out in the wilderness and far away from any town or city highly limited his options for such help. Which ultimately led Alistair to making the very bad decision of asking a person in camp.

However, his options were even limited there. The only one who knew any fair share about herbs and tonics was that damnable witch, and he would rather suffer eternity in the Void then ask something like this. The giant was also not an option, as he just stared at him, before shaking his head and walking away while uttering something under his breath. As for the elf Zevran…. While  _he_  would probably know something to aid Alistair in his dilemma, talking to him seemed even worse than speaking to Morrigan. Which unfortunately brought Alistair down to Oghren, the dwarf from Orzammar. And the only one out of the lot of them who had been married, too.

After laughing his armored arse off, Oghren finally got around to telling Alistair of a type of mushroom some of the warriors used to use to take the 'edge off' while they were out fighting Darkspawn. It was supposed to numb the area, in essence, making it more difficult for a man to get an erection. Alistair soaked up every bit of information he could about the mushrooms and how to prepare them.

He had figured that if he wasn't being distracted by the sinful thing in his pants, he might have a better chance of not messing up or saying something wrong to Leliana. Afterall, it was his damnable lusts that had caused so many problems in the past. Jealousy born out of lust, and a desire to bed to Riel had led to the other Warden practically hating the very breath that Alistair drew. And the last thing he had wanted was for Leliana to ever feel that way as well.

So Alistair thought that maybe if he used these mushrooms, he could finally think and behave clearly enough to not be such a monumental ass and blundering idiot when speaking to Leliana.

However, either Alistair found and used the wrong type of mushrooms, or Oghren was currently laughing his blighted arse off at him. Whichever happened to be the truth, Alistair swore to himself that he would take it out of the dwarf's hide the next time he could get the sodding bastard alone.

"Nevermind how it got there…. Can you heal it?" he snapped at Wynne.

"I would watch your tone with me, young man. Especially considering how close to am I to certain part of your body…" Wynne snapped back.

"Sorry," Alistair grumbled when Wynne finally stood up again.

"Just make sure that whatever you did to cause such a rash, you don't do again. Not unless you want to ever use what is down there again…"

A look of horrified panic swept across Alistair's face. "I-it isn't that bad, is it? I mean, I should recover just fine… Right?"

Wynne giggled lightly before answering, taking a sick sort of delight in his suffering. "I  _should_  tell you that you caused some sort of dire harm. Would serve you right after yelling at Leliana that way. However…" Wynne sighed, shaking her head. "You'll be fine, Alistair. You will be tender there for a little while, but as long as you don't do whatever it is again, everything should keep working the way it should."

"You are evil, old woman…" Alistair grumbled as he reached for his small clothes and hurriedly redressed. "I didn't mean to yell at her, you know…" he stated after a moment, his trousers now in hand.

"Oh I have no doubt of that. Judging from the color of that rash, you were probably in a lot of pain. However, unless you wish to tell  _her_  that, you have better come up with another excuse for your outburst. You've already angered one woman of the group with that temper of yours. It wouldn't do well to anger another."

"I've actually been trying to  _not_  mess up with her…" Alistair admitted contritely. "It's just seems that whenever I open my mouth, the exact wrong thing always comes out. And whatever I  _meant_  to say gets twisted all around. Especially if I angry, or worried, or…."

"Aroused?" Wynne offered with a wry grin, eliciting a deep blush from the man in response. "Alistair, you are a good man. You just need to start focusing on the  _good_  qualities you have, and not so much on the bad. Every man alive will at times become flustered with his words when he is around a woman he finds attractive. The better ones learn to work around it, however."

"How so?" Alistair asked, now fully dressed and armored again. "It's not as if I don't  _try_. And yet you've seen how badly I've screwed things up in the past. Especially in regards to Riel. I don't want that to happen with Leliana."

"Let me ask you this, then. Is how you feel for Leliana any different than how you feel for Riel?"

Alistair paused, thinking carefully on his words. "You know, I've asked myself that question too. And while I cared for Riel, it's just somehow different with Leliana. With Riel, I always felt as if I needed to prove something to her. To show her that I was something more than whatever she saw. And that when she finally saw whatever it was I wanted her to see, I could finally claim her as my own. With Leliana, I don't feel like that. It's not as if I don't want to be with her. Or that I feel completely deserving of her. But with her, the need is different. Softer. With Riel, I always felt as if I needed to be better. With Leliana, she makes me feel as if I am already good enough. When I think of her, I don't think of what I can do to prove myself to her. Instead, I find myself wondering about makes her smile. What makes her laugh. And what she thinks about in those times when she is by herself and smiles softly to herself. I want to  _know_  her."

"Coming so soon from your obsession with one woman, to focusing on another isn't always wise."

Alistair began to pace as his mind tried to sort through his thoughts. "I  _know_  I was obsessed with Riel. And how badly that worked out. Which is why I wanted to take things slower this time. Which is why I did…. what I did... To try and… ' _take the edge off_ '..."

"Oh Alistair..." replied Wynne, trying hard to stifle the giggles that threatened to erupt at his admission. "Somehow I don't think nearly losing  _yourself_ ," Wynne shifted her eyes down to his crotch, "is what Leliana would want. Women tend to like that  _part_  of their men..."

"You are taking far too much amusement out of this, old woman…" he sneered, his eyes narrowing on Wynne.

"You're right. I  _am_. But only because I saw how much your  _affections_  had hurt our Riel over these past few months. And I don't want the same thing to happen to Leliana as well.  _Both_  of them deserve better than that."

"Ugh… I  _know_!" Alistair exclaimed, his hands pulling at his hair. "Maker help me, but I am beginning to think that I should have become a Chantry brother. At least then my vows would have prevented me from even  _considering_  being with a woman. Perhaps then I could have avoided this whole mess…"

"Alistair, as a Circle mage, I have met my fair share of Chantry brothers and sisters over the years. So believe me when I say that sometimes even  _they_  often do more than simply  _consider_  being with someone intimately…"

Alistair pinned the woman with a look of both shock and disbelief. "They do  _not_! What about their vows?"

"Incredibly solemn wholly meant when they are taken. However, the Maker knows his children. And how mortal they can be…" she replied with a sly smile. "However, you are  _not_  a Chantry brother. Which means that you must deal with these feelings that you have in regards to her. And preferably without getting either stabbed or being run through with an arrow. That Leliana is surprisingly a  _very_  good shot, even when she is angry. And while I am perfectly content acting as the group's healer when people are injured by whatever creature is foolish enough to attack us. However, I am far less content healing injuries inflicted by members of our group. Especially when I have to be dragged off into the woods to do so."

"Yeah… Thanks for this, by the way. For healing…  _that_ …" Again Alistair's face flushed, remembering the reason the two of them were alone together to begin with. "We should probably be getting back though… With my luck Riel has told Morrigan to mix up a poison for me. Again."

Wynne again let loose another round of girlish giggles. "Oh, I'd say you recovered just fine. Although perhaps you are right. As it is, you already have one apology to get to. Maker help you if you manage to somehow anger Riel today. Somehow I don't think that will go very well for you."

"Yeah, she's uh… Her magic…-" Alistair began, but suddenly stopped, not sure how to continue.

"The Maker takes care of his own. Have faith in that, Alistair. And if I may impart one last bit of elderly advice?"

"Go ahead. I'll honestly take all that I can at this point."

"Good. Because you'll need it. For the time being, I would highly suggest you walk carefully around Riel. I don't know exactly what is causing her trouble, however I do know that her abilities are very volatile right now. Be mindful of what you say and how you act around her. Even more so than normal."

"I will. Thank you, Wynne."

"You're welcome. Now let us return to camp. I meant it earlier when I suggested that we stop for a midday meal. That last fight made me hungry."

Alistair walked over to Wynne and offered her his arm. "Then I best not keep you waiting further. Maker knows that a woman missing her meal can get grumpy. A mage woman however-"

"Alistair, dear?" Wynne interrupted.

"Yes?"

"Stop now before I feel the desire to test out one of the new offensive spells that Morrigan taught me earlier."

Alistair audibly gulped. "Right! Back to camp we go!"


	3. Inside the Araval

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the third and final chapter for this tidbit. I will do others in the future showcasing the lives of both Alistair and his lady, as they are both important characters in the future. This is just groundwork for their history together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dragon Age: Origins is owned by Bioware, as with all its characters, the story as it deviates from canon is mine however, as with the personalities of characters as they deviate from those in the game.
> 
> This is a very minor spin off of my main story Vhenan'ara. It involves the same characters, in the same world. There will be others in the future, only being a chapter or two each.
> 
> Just as Vhenan'ara primarily surrounds Riel and Zevran, so too these snippets will primarily revolve around Alistair and *spoiler*. These really aren't a separate story in and of themselves, just an added dimension and inside look into two other important characters within my headcanon universe.
> 
> So PLEASE! Don't read this before reading the rest of the story leading up to this point. Because this and other similar short snippets I will be posting WILL contain spoilers if you are not up to date with the listed chapter reference!
> 
> This particular short takes place between chapters 54 and 55
> 
> Thank you guys so very much and I hope you guys enjoy! And please, I would appreciate any reviews! Reading all of your responses is a true joy for me!

Leliana entered the small araval and kneeled down beside the sleeping figure. Without his massive heavy armor on, he looked half the size that he normally did. Yet his broad shoulders were still easily twice the size of her own. It was one the things that she liked about him, if Leliana were to be honest with herself. The way that his six foot three height seemed to tower over her five foot six frame, and how his broad shoulders and muscled chest were double the size of her own. Standing next to him, Leliana felt almost tiny. Feminine. And in a place full of bulky armor and heavy, ugly boots, Leliana craved any cherished reminders of what it was like to be a feminine woman.

And in a strange way, he gave that to her. Not just because of his size, either. But also in the way he looked and treated her. Especially these past few days. There was a soft sweetness to Alistair that few ever saw, and it pulled on the secret part of Leliana that often craved such things. Behind the fool with the awful sense of timing and words, she knew that there was a gallant gentlemen who wished to be free.

If only he could keep himself from saying the exact wrong thing as the exact wrong time….

Looking at him now, though, Leliana forgot all of that. She forgot his foolishness and his blunders and his harsh words to her best friend. She forgot about the way that he had yelled at her earlier that morning after the fight with the wolves. The only thing that filled her mind now was how deeply she cared for him despite all of that.

"Oh, my poor Alistair…" she whispered as she gazed down at him. His bare chest was covered in small red lines where the skin had become fused to his armor. In a few days the lines would heal and disappear, leaving behind perhaps only the faintest of scars. However now they looked raw and still very much painful, despite the healing that Wynne and the mage healer Varela tended to him earlier.

At the sound of her voice, Alistair's eyes slightly opened. "Leli-"

"Shh... Do not to speak..." Leliana softly hushed to him.

Awkwardly his hand raised, bumping first against a pillow at his side before weaving around in the air, finally coming to a rest against Leliana's knee. Once there, Leliana felt him give her knee a weak squeeze before once again going limp.

"S-sorry…" he hoarsely whispered.

"I know you are," Leliana smiled, placing her hand over his. "However I will make sure to tell Riel that you said so"

Alistair shook his head slightly, even though it was obvious that it the small action hurt him. "Sorry… to you," he stated, his voice a little firmer than the last time.

Leliana felt her heart skip a beat in her chest at his soft apology. "I know, Alistair," she answered back sweetly.

"Come…. here…" Alistair managed to say between pained breaths. Slowly he lifted both of his arms and gestured her forward.

Leliana couldn't keep back the beaming smile that took over face as she gently cuddled up next to him. She was careful to not place too much weight on his chest as her head found an all too familiar spot against his shoulder.

Since returning from Redcliff a few days ago, they had been dancing around the issue of intimacy between the two of them. Between his shyness and her self consciousness fears, there had been few times when they had even touched hands, let alone anything more serious. Yet now with his arms around her now, nothing else mattered.

With his fingers gently touching the bare skin of her shoulder, and his other hand overtop her own as it rested on his chest, Leliana prayed to the Maker that this wasn't just another dream. A fantasy that she would soon awake from to the loneliness of her tent. And yet, this felt far too  _real_  to just be another dream. The feel of his hands on her skin as his body cradled her own searing itself into her soul.

_Please Maker… please don't let this be just a dream…_

A silent prayer repeated not just in Leliana's mind, but also in Alistair's as well.

However, the hazy cloud of his mind wasn't so easily convinced as Leliana's was. Since feeling her presence enter the small area that they were in, Alistair found himself drawn to her in a way that defied logic. His consciousness fought desperately to stay even somewhat alert so he could enjoy the feel of her against his chest for just a little longer. On the tip of his tongue were all the things that he wished to say to her, yet fear of his own words kept him silent as he continued to hold her.

In the silence that took over, Alistair's mind kept going back to that moment just before Riel blasted him with her magic. In that split second when his brain caught up to what his mouth was doing, yet was too late to stop the words from leaving. Ironic that when it came to Riel, his words took on a life of their own and did as they pleased. Yet when it came to Leliana, his words refused to come lest he offend her.

At least,  _most_ of the time.

Alistair sighed, regretting again that he hadn't been able to apologize properly to Leliana about his outburst earlier that day. He  _had_  wanted to do it in private. Yet as soon as he and Wynne had returned to the camp, Leliana had always seemed to be busy doing something. Whether it was tending to the meals, checking their supplies, or speaking with Riel, Alistair couldn't find the opportunity to get her alone so he could apologize and somewhat explain his earlier behavior.

A deep regret that haunted his consciousness every time it surfaced since his near death at Riel's hands. Whenever the darkness of his mind cleared enough for Alistair to waken even partially, he would remember the look of shock and sadness on Leliana's face as he yelled at her. He had meant only to caution her. To make sure that she was alright. However, his fear over her safety mixed with the pain that he was in sharped his words to the point that his concern became twisted into anger.

It had taken nearly dying to finally bring about the most clarity that Alistair had felt for months. Possibly in his whole life. In those moments when he would fade in and out of consciousness, the one voice he always sought out during his awake moments was hers. The soft lilting music of a woman who had invaded his every sense and thought like no other. Not even Riel could compare to the presence that Leliana took over in his mind. In his heart.

"I-I want you to know…" Alistair managed to croak out past the pain in his throat and chest.

"You don't need to say anything, Alistair," Leliana tried to tell him. However again Alistair slightly shook his head.

"I n-need to say this," he paused, taking a breath to ease the tension in his body before continuing. "I know that I screw up. A lot. But I want you to know that…" Another pause while he mentally searched for and tested the words he wanted to say. "I am glad that you're with me. And I that…"

"I'll always be here for you, Alistair," Leliana replied during yet another pause by him.

"Good. Because I want you here. With me. More than… Just a friend… If that's okay."

Leliana lifted her head from his shoulder and smiled brightly at him. "I would like that too…"

 _Maker's breath_  Alistair repeated to himself as he looked up at her. With her liquid green eyes shining down at him, and a dazzling smile on her lips, once more Alistair feared that he might be dreaming. Carefully he lifted his hand to her cheek, his fingertips grazing lightly against her soft skin.

"By the Maker, you're so beautiful," he breathed out without thinking. And as soon as he realized that he said aloud what he only meant to say mentally, a deep blush tinted his cheeks all the way to his ears. A feeling that quickly to turned to horror and shame as he witnessed Leliana suddenly tear up as she looked at him. "I did it again, didn't I? I said something wrong or messed up somehow and now you're crying…" Alistair groaned miserably and dropped his hand from her face. Closing his eyes, he let loose a whole mental string of profanities at himself, cursing himself for his failures.

Leliana quickly picked up his hand and placed it once more on her cheek, bringing his attention back to her. "No, that's not it!" she hurriedly explained. "It's just… I'm happy…"

Alistair eyed her carefully, seeing the gentle smile on her lips and the way her eyes shined as she looked down at him. "You're happy? Are you sure? I'm not some horrible man for overstepping some invisible boundary and saying the wrong thing?"

Leliana giggled softly and shook her head. "No, you're fine Alistair. I actually  _liked_  hearing you say that."

"Well, you are. Beautiful I mean…"

Silently they stared at each other, each lost within their own thoughts as the seconds stretched out into minutes. And with each second that passed, every still functioning fiber of Alistair's being ached to kiss those perfect pink lips that smiled down at him. To know what she tasted like as his tongue greeted hers. Yet still a niggling fear ate his mind. Fearful of not just her reaction, but his own performance in being able to do it properly. She would, after all, be the very first woman he ever kissed.

"I want to kiss you…" he finally admitted, his thumb lightly brushing over Leliana's bottom lip.

 _Yes please…_ Leliana mused to herself as her eyes closed at the gentle touch, reveling in the slight tingle that flowed along her spine. However, she didn't want to rush Alistair, wanting instead for him to come to her on his own.

Finally Alistair pushed aside his fears and brought her face down to his, placing a soft, yet stiff kiss against her lips. However, his inexperience was no match for her languid guidance. Almost immediately his stiffness melted away under the feel of the gentle pressure she placed along his lips. And when her tongue slipped out to glide temptingly over the seam of his mouth, Alistair couldn't contain his moan.

The moment was perfect. The two of them together, their lips and tongue testing and tasting each other. However, when Leliana adjusted herself so more of her weight was brought against Alistair's chest, Alistair couldn't stop his wince of pain. Immediately Leliana pulled herself back, nearly banging her head against the wall of the araval.

"Oh I am so sorry!" she pleaded, her eyes wide in fear.

"Damn it… I was really starting to enjoy that too…" Alistair groused, bringing a light laughter from Leliana.

"How badly did I hurt you? Do you need me to get Wynne?" she asked him, eyeing the door to the araval.

"Nope. What I do need is for you to come back over here. I was getting used to your body warming me up. I want you to know though…" Alistair paused, sending a prayer to the Maker that she wouldn't laugh at him for his admission. "You'll be the first one I ever…"

Leliana placed her hand on the side of face and looked down into his chestnut brown eyes. "I know, Alistair. And it doesn't bother me. It actually makes me happy," she replied with a soft smile. Leliana then lowered her head down once more to his shoulder and snuggled up close to him. "Now you should rest. You will need all the strength you gather for when you apologize to Riel."

"Ugh…. Maker, don't reminds me," he grumbled sorely.

"Do not worry. I'll help keep Zevran distracted. And perhaps if you find yourself in need of more healing afterwards, I can come and keep you company again."

Alistair lightly squeezed Leliana's shoulder as a smile worked its way across his lips. "I would like that. I would like that a lot."


End file.
